all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have fence marks all over my body
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
