pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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