I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
