I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
