i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
