Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We named our party play list daddy issues
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
