fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
They have beer where we have blood.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.