I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.