It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
