see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
