birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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