Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
