i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
