i think i have herpe
just one?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
