I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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