I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
