it's too hot outside to masturbate.
high people should be assigned attendants
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
