I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
