I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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