For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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