girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
