Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
