i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
