Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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