Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
