So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
