God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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