a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
