my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
