you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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