Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
