if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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