just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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