fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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