thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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