i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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