Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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