I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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