I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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