Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
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I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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