Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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