he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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