i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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