I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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