It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
