I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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