My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
