ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
