you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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