I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
