Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
