his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
3pm strippers are depressing
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
