Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
