Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He shit in the fireplace
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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