Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
