Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
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Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
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My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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