and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
