your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
