is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
