I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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